When it comes to relationships, men say exactly what they mean.
I keep telling my younger girlfriends this, but maybe it takes age or several relationships to experience the reality of it. I’m going to say it again, just because women need to hear it from another woman. (Women never seem to believe it from a man.)
When men talk about relationships at all, they are direct. They say exactly what they mean. There is no hidden agenda. If his mouth is moving and he’s telling you what he’s feeling, then he’s being truthful in that moment. Take heed of what is said and what he chooses to not say.
I’m going to use an example from my own life to illustrate the point, because if I use any of my friends’ they might dropkick me into the next blogosphere.
It’s a Friday night and “Frank,” the man I had been seeing for a while, is over the moon about me, which is great because I’m infatuated too. He tells me, “I can see us growing old together; I know I’d never get tired of you. I love you, I love everything about you, and I think I want to marry you. What kind of engagement ring do you want?” Do I believe him? Abso-frickin-lutely!
Fast forward five days to Tuesday around dinner time: Frank has been silent for a while. When he finally communicates, this is what comes out, “I’ve got [list of seven other things, situations, and people] that I’m dealing with right now as best as I can. I’m overwhelmed and I don’t want to deal with you. I don’t think I can handle a woman in my life right now. You should probably just leave.” Do I believe him? Goddamn right I do!
If you have the intelligence of lichen, you will have noticed that Frank’s two statements (made under a week apart) contradict each other. In the first, he’s clearly feeling the joy and wants our relationship to continue until we’re being wiped down by a nurse at the old folks’ home. In the second, he’s clearly feeling the pressure, he can’t focus on any goals or situations that aren’t in front of his face, and he wants out faster than you can say “lockpick.” While in one phase, he never references his opposite state of mind. He may have had no cognition that these opposing mental attitudes created a roller coaster in our relationship. The roller coaster ran for months. Yes, both statements were perfectly true. Every time he said them.
Here’s the trick: A man may never say as much as a woman wants him to, but that’s ok. All a woman has to do is listen to what he is saying, not what she wants him to say. When she actually hears what he’s saying, she will probably be able to put together the clues and find some of the answers she sought. She may not like the answers, but she will be able to respond to something real, not just in her head.
With Frank, I had a boyfriend who was internally conflicted about what he needed and wanted in his life. It came out clearly in his words. As a free agent with a vested interest in the outcome of his civil war, I could push for one conclusion or another (and at times I pushed for any effing conclusion at all), but the problem was essentially his. It had very little to do with me or the role I played in his life.
Once I accepted that truth, I had only one obligation. I had to let him know that his inability to think past today’s crisis was jeopardizing his tomorrow’s happiness, if he still considered me a part of that happiness. If there was no change or response on his part, then I had two possible actions—wait it out and hope, or leave. I tried the former for a bit, but I have to live a life too, so I ended up doing the latter.
Ladies, let’s take a couple of broad examples now and apply the theory that men say exactly what they mean.
Ex. 1: It’s six months into it, the two of you are in bed, and you curl into him after sex and ask “So where is our relationship heading?” He replies, “I don’t know.” You say, “Well, what do you think?” He says, “I don’t know. I guess I kinda like where we are now.” He’s not being evasive and he’s not in a fuck fugue. He probably didn’t even think about it until you asked, because whatever the two of you have right now fits his comfort zone. If you are looking for more, you can read a lot into such a neutral statement. That would be a mistake, and so would be pursuing the issue at that moment. If he didn’t think about it before you brought it up as pillow talk, then you’re not going to get a different answer until you back off and let him do so.
Ex. 2: You’re hanging out with a male friend, you’re both drinking, he hits on you, and you ask “Now you want to be more than friends?” He says, “I just want you.” You say, “Well, if you want to sleep with me then you must want something more than friendship.” He replies, “C’mon, don’t you want me too?” That is a classic misdirection. He avoided answering the question, so the answer is “No.” Do not be fooled by his attempt to focus on the sexuality of the moment. He does not want to become your next guy. He wants to get laid and he wants to know if you are horny too. What he is and is not saying tells you volumes but you are not hearing it because you are focused on getting him to admit something that isn’t true for him. Stop doing that.
This example brings me to one of the lines men often draw that women frequently don’t recognize or don’t want to recognize, and how it comes out verbally.
When I was 14, I read Kathleen Winsor’s “Forever Amber,” an epic drama set in the court of Charles II using the tribulations of one woman as a lens for examining the culture and events of those times. One line, spoken early on by the character of Bruce Carlton about the anti-heroine Amber, has stuck with me (and I’ll have to paraphrase because I don’t have the book anymore): “She’s the kind of woman any man would want as a mistress, but no man wants to marry.”
Men still classify women in Madonna/whore terms—or, in modern parlance, as “marriageable” vs. “fuckable.” You say this doesn’t still happen? Yeah, I’ll call that trope and raise you $20. It happens, even with men who don’t have the sexual dysfunction complex of the same name.
No woman wants to be Amber St. Clare. Her life was miserable. Unfortunately, when it comes to the Madonna/whore, wife/mistress dichotomy, I have usually placed in the second mental category–the Amber category. It took me an ashamedly long time to unravel the subtext, but I ascribe it to being deliberately thickheaded. I simply didn’t want to hear what I was hearing, repeatedly, from some otherwise wonderful men who treated me well and were quite nice in every other aspect. I am not marriage material. I am the anti-Mom.
Men are simple when the issue comes down to sex. It’s basic psychology. The first woman almost any man learned to love and respect was Mom, unless she beat him with a coat hanger or left him with the druggies while she got her fix in the backroom. Mom was not sexy. Whatever her other characteristics and personality, Mom was safe, secure, dependable, and trustworthy. A woman who is seen as primarily sexy—whether it’s just a part of her makeup or because she works it too hard—is already down about four rungs on that ladder toward long-term relationship-dom. Why? Because long-term emotional commitments require that you both feel safe and secure with each other, locked in a relationship based on mutual trust and dependability. I repeat: Mom was not sexy. If you are the anti-Mom, then you aren’t associated with the required building blocks a guy needs to make a commitment.
This is great if you don’t want a commitment from him, either. It sucks if you want to be and/or think you are a contender for his heart.
And, in case you missed it, I just related an important piece of translation: If the guy you are newly dating tells you that you are sexy, he’s already put you in the “fuckable,” not “marriageable” category. I’m not saying you can’t change or broaden his perception over time, but first you’ll have to convince him to treat you like real person in his real world, instead of like the best booty call he’s ever laid. You can try, but he may not be worth the Herculean effort. Good luck with that.
In general, I believe women do men a disservice when it comes to relationships. I take it as given that women analyze such things more than men do–probably more than we should and more than most relationships deserve. It seems to come hard-wired into our gender. But many women also prejudge men as less capable of or willing to express what they feel, what they want, and what they mean.
I don’t believe men are less capable at all. Rather, I believe that women could learn from men how to communicate more succinctly and directly. Respond to what is said, not to what you think it means. If you need clarification, be clear about what and why. When you ask something or say something in return, don’t “lead the witness.” Say it like you mean it.
Actually, that’s true for most communications: Say it like you mean it.
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